New Stuff of the Week Feature

In honor of this being the blog's 300th post, I'm going to introduce a new weekly feature: Bar quotes. People seemed entertained by my recent post about memorable conversations I've had with drunks, so I'm going to give a shot at making it a regular addition. So, my plan is to continue with the jewelry of the week on Mondays and have Bar stories/quotes of the week on the weekends, while it's all still fresh in my mind and still sticky on my shoes. Here are this week's contributions:

Guy: (Just after I took his buddy's order) And let's get some love for Alex! (I still don't know whether the guy or the buddy is Alex - I opted not to ask)

Elderly guy: (Giving me a tip) This is for you, little girl. (I guess it's all relative, right?)

A regular: These guys go to bars looking for women, but they've got it wrong. You go to the bar to avoid the women.

There are a lot of nights I don't mind working at the bar. Nights like Wednesday when people are pleasant and it never gets so slow I start going crazy. Then there are nights like the one I just got home from. Busy, busy around happy hour. Everyone and their dog wanted food. Pain in the ass, needy tables galore. Then, as soon as reinforcements arrive (i.e. Brandi) it dies.

In anticipation of a midnight rush when Oktoberfest ends, I stick around for two hideously boring hours just to realize that there will be no midnight rush and that, had I left hours ago, Brandi would have been totally fine without me and I wouldn't have the headache I have from the jukebox being turned up so damn loud because when Julia gets bored, she likes lots of noise. The next couple are from tonight.

Guy from the other night who thinks I need to smile at him: (Walks half way across the bar just to stand next to me until I'm forced to look at him so he can say something "cute" which I've since forgotten, save that it was annoying)
Me: (Something noncommittal, reflexive smart-ass upturn of corners of mouth)
Guy: (Looking very pleased with himself) See? There's that smile. (Walks half way back across the bar to sit down and order a drink)
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to obnoxious behavior, but the fact that he's intentionally going out of his way to make me pay attention to him is getting on my nerves in a major way. Not only is there no way I'm going to flirt with him due to the fact that he's a regular, but there's also no way that I'm going to flirt with him thanks to the fact that he's not only old enough to be my father, but he is in fact older than my father. Okay, and there's the annoying the hell out of me factor too.

There's a guy who wanders into the bar from time to time. He speaks in such a way that he's incoherent half the time, and he just has a certain off-ness to him. Once, he asked me my name three times in two hours and told me, "You have a good peace in your heart," while holding onto my hand and repeating himself a dozen times. Tonight he seemed a bit more off than usual. I walked up to the computer, he was standing in front of it.
Me: Excuse me.
Crazy guy: (nothing)
Me: (Louder) Pardon me.
Crazy guy:
Me: (Tap on the shoulder) Excuse me, I have to get in here.
Crazy guy:
Me: (A more forceful tap on the shoulder, louder voice) Excuse me.
Crazy guy: (Turns around, notices me) You're pretty.

Later, I wandered to the front and chatted with our doorguy K.C. for a while. I mentioned the crazy guy.
K.C.: Yeah, if I had recognized him I wouldn't have let him in.
Me: Oh yeah?
K.C.: Yeah. The other night I found him peeing against the door over there.
Me: Crazy people. We do have a bathroom after all.
K.C.: Tell me about it. Next time, I won't let him in, and if he asks me why, I'll beat him down and pee on him.
Me: Let me know before you do it so I can watch.
K.C.: Of course.

Girl: We wanna get some chips and salsa.
Me: Sorry, the kitchen's closed.
Girl: (Snotty) We just want chips and salsa.
Me: The kitchen's closed.
Girl: (higher pitched) Even for chips and salsa?
Me: There's no one to make it, 'cause the kitchen's closed.
Girl: But it's just chips and salsa!
Me: How are you guys doing on your drinks?
Group: (ignores the question)
Me: (walking away)

And last, but not least, from the big table in the front who caused me more than their fair share of frustration.

Guy: Do you have kids menus?
Me: No.
Would you believe it? I work at a place with Tavern in the name and we still get asked for children's menus and booster seats. No, we do not have kid's menus. It's way too hard to find martini glasses that small.

Guy 1: We're ready to order dinner.
Me: Okay, what'll you have?
Guy 1: I'll have... (looks at menu) the soup and sandwich. What are your sandwiches?
Me: They're right here (point)
Guy 1: Hrm... What kind of bread are your sandwiches on?
Me: Baguette. (just like it says in the menu)
Guy 1: All right... I'll have ham and cheddar.
Me: (turning to Guy 2) What would you like?
Guy 2: (points to menu) Which of these three would you recommend?
Me: Fish and chips.
Guy 2: Hrm...
Me: (to girl sitting in guy's lap, to give guy some time to decide) And how about you?
Girl: (confers with guy) I want a BLT.
Me: And what do you want for your side? (I rattle off the sides)
Girl: Potato chips.
Me: (turning back to guy) What've you decided?
Guy 2: I want the Shepherd's pie.
Okay, I won't go through the rest because I think you get the idea. The highlight was when I got to the gal who, while I waited, read the menu to the two boys next to her and asked what they wanted to share. This is not what "ready to order" means. It really isn't. Especially not when I've got two other tables I know are waiting on me and three others that I really ought to check on.

The best part - at the end of their visit, and all the many trips they sent me on, back and forth, for one item at a time, like another wine glass because one of the kids claimed one for their soda, then how about a glass of water, oh yeah and another - they left me a 10% tip.

I try not to whine about tips all the time (really, I try) but sometimes it's hard not to get frustrated. Even harder when, fifteen minutes later, another table (with a $50 ticket) leaves no tip at all. Yup, it was one of those nights. They are good, however, for reassuring me that going to college was probably a good idea.