And There Was Much Rejoicing

"Someone puked in the corner."
-Dave

Every year there's this thing called The B-Street Bash which happens each Friday in June. They set up on B Street (thus the name) about five yards from our back patio. There's live music, food, and booze. Half the town turns up, gets drunk, then comes to my bar when B-Street is over.

On the list of things I hate in the world, B-Street makes the top ten. Seriously. People come already drunk which means either they just want water or pop, or they're obnoxious. Oh yeah, and they like to stiff on tips. Obviously, the more money they spend tipping the waitress or bartender, the less money they have for booze. Duh!

Last night was the last one. Words cannot describe how happy that makes me.

There's Always Good With the Bad

"Some of God's greatest gifts are all too often unanswered...
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"
-Garth Brooks, "Unanswered Prayers"

Since Camii and I have been writing back and forth for so long, with each of us having our respective tough times, we've reminded each other more than once that no matter how bad the thing that happened is, it happened for the best. If we were Christians, we'd say something along the lines of Garth's song. The message is the same, whether there's religion involved or not: faith. As long as you have faith that there will be something positive that comes out of the negagive, you'll be able to find it.

The main difference between happy people and unhappy people is not their circumstances, but rather their attitude. There are people who whine and whine about every little thing, and people who are dying from cancer who celebrate every little thing. It's all about perspective.

With all my "talk" of feeling depressed and lonely, I thought it was time to throw in some positivity. Thus, here are some positive things that I've experienced in the past week:

Support from friends and family, and all everyone's done to try to cheer me up

Having my parents say, "You absolutely did the right thing"

A good writers group meeting, and dinner afterward

Farm cookies made specially for me

New toys for crafting - a dremel tool and pearlescent powders

Spending three hours yesterday experimenting with some polymer clay finishes and getting wonderful faux dichroic glass looks

Almost added to the list, but not quite, 'cause it's tomorrow:

The "End of the SI" Writing Marathon, which means not only will I be making no copies, but I'll also be enjoying free food, some neat people, and writing.

As far as the good that directly came out of this, it mostly comes down to the fact that if stress about the decision to get married was enough to make him leave, then how would we have managed once more serious stress came, like money worries? Then, not only would we be splitting up, we'd be getting divorced. Also, in the time Keith and I have known each other, and since we've started dating, we've both changed. For me, I've gained confidence. For him, he's lost it and picked up habits I despise, like smoking cigars. We weren't meshing as well as we used to, and why would that change just because we lived together? In this case, it's maybe not quite finding the good as avoiding a worse bad.

Cookies and an Anniversary

"Here, mom told me to bring these over to you."
-Casey

It's funny that one week later is harder than four days later. Then again, it makes complete sense. Four days after breaking up with Keith was just that. A week after is an anniversary. It has now been a specified unit of time since he gave me his key back and walked out of my house. A specified unit of time since I last saw him or spoke to him. Damnit, I was doing so well, and now it's hard again.

On the bright side, when my brother got into town, my mom gave him a package of farm cookies and instructions to deliver them to me right away. I think she wanted to get him to see me first thing so I could tell him the news. I have to say, the sympathy cookies taste very good. Farm cookies are in my top three cookie varieties, and I've never seen nor heard of them outside of the context of my family. They're like oatmeal cookies, except I guess the gal who created the recipe ran out of oatmeal, so she added cornflakes and coconut too. Mmm... Baked good aren't everything, but they help.

Road Trip!

"We have a couch and a couchbed you and your brother could sleep on, too."
-Camii

Last May, Camii and I met up in Denver for a day of chatting and wandering around the mall. Well, over a year's gone by since then, and it feels like time to see each other in person again - especially since my brother's home for the next few weeks and agreeable to going with me. I can't be positive yet, since I don't know my work schedule, but it seems that July 9-11 would be a good time to hop in the car and drive for five hours to Camii-land.

Since I just finalized my bead order (a few weeks until the other gals decide what they want, but I figured the longer I have to play with it, the larger and more expensive it'll get), there shouldn't be much temptation to hit the bead shop there. Okay, right, I'm probably lying. But, it sounds good, doesn't it?

Homesickness, Teddy Bears, and the Post-Keith Rebellion

"Well I'll never be a stranger and I'll never be alone
Whenever were together, that's my home."
-Billy Joel, "You're My Home"

Once the shock and anger wore off, I started having this feeling that I couldn't quite pin down. Then the other night I sat in my living room, watching TV and feeling this feeling, and suddenly I had a thought of "I want to go home." Silly, though, I was home. Then I figured it out.

Another weird thing that's happened is the teddy bear. When Keith and I first started dating, he had this teddy bear on his computer that an ex-girlfriend had given him. He said he wasn't attached to it, but just hadn't thrown it away. At that point, I made it my mission to claim the bear (i.e. "beat" the other girl by owning this thing she gave to him). Since then, the bear has been something I could grab as a stand-in of sorts for Keith. Now, even though we've split, the bear is still nice to have. The Keith connotation has faded, but the positive associations of the stuffed animal have stayed. So, when I've been feeling depressed/lonely the past few days, I've been hanging on to that bear and it makes me feel better. Kinda funny, isn't it?

On the bright side, it seems the worst has passed. I'm no longer a wreck. I've gone from being constantly sad to bitchy. My tolerance levels are incredibly low right now, but I'm okay with that. I'll take irritable over heartbroken any day. I mean, progress is progress, right?

As part of my progress, I find myself having a mini-rebellion against the habits I developed from being with Keith. For instance: I bought a pizza on Saturday and on the way I thought of what I should get on it. My first impulse was sausage, bell pepper, and mushrooms, which were about the only toppings Keith and I could agree on, and thus the kind of pizza we always got together. Then I caught myself and ordered a pineapple and canadian bacon pizza instead (he couldn't stand the idea of pineapple on pizza). Along these same lines, I'm thinking of cutting my hair even shorter and getting a dog. Not having Keith any more means there are many things I miss, but the flip-side is all the extra freedom I get from not having to compromise.

I find that as the hurting starts to wear off, I'm getting more and more excited about the freedom. Clear the polymer clay mess off the kitchen table to make room for another person? Bah!

Attack of the Scary Beads - Variations

I bought the scary beads out of an impulse to try something different. The first time I showed them to my brother, he actually cringed (thus the name). I quite like the scary beads, though. Anyhow, here's another example of variations on a theme, though in this case it's more like variations on a bead. Aside from the scary beads, the first necklace has copper-tone spacers, glass, and seed beads. The other two have the same, except silver spacers instead of copper.

I Realize This Won't Help....

but!

I have to be very clear that Owen is okay with this arrangement. My son still retains the biggest crush on you. (I know that the unadorned love of a five year old whose love can be bought with the cheapest of plastic toys is not really what you're looking for...but as a mother I have to make his case for him....)

And I love you too.

Impact

"This morning if someone had asked if you're gone
I would've managed a smile and said we're still hanging on
But if they pressed me I could've honestly said I don't know
Oh but that was a phone call and a six pack ago"
-"A Sixpack Ago" by Steve Wariner

I'm a mess today. The shock has worn off and the impact of what happened is really starting to hit me. This time yesterday, I had a fiancee and a plan of how the rest of my life would go. Today, I've lost both.

There's a chance he might call, try to work things out, but it's not likely. He said he'd made up his mind and that his doubts were strong enough to make him go and never come back. So, now I have to make peace with that. Somehow.

You know how they have these video clips of glaciers where all of a sudden a huge sheet of ice drops off the face of it and crashes into the water? Yeah, it's like that.

Betcha Didn't See This One Coming

I sure as hell didn't. Well, ladies and gents, come October Keith and I will not be getting married. This is because, as of about an hour ago, we have broken up. I'm taking it kinda hard. The worst part is, there isn't even a specific thing I can point to and say "that's why." The past few weeks we've been a bit distant from each other (I said wedding stress, he didn't agree and we got no further than that) and Keith said that was a big enough reason to think it won't work out. There's more to it than that, there always is, but that's as much as I'm ready to say about it right now. I'm feeling blindsided and I'm probably in shock.

So now, after nearly four years of automatically assuming I'll see or talk to Keith the next day, I won't.

Play the Hallelujah Music

"Alright, I think it's done."
-My Email to Katherine

It's hard to believe, but I think the 2005-2006 SI anthology is ready to be sent to the printer. This anthology, which I've been editing, transcribing, re-transcribing, editing again, formatting, and compiling for what seems my whole life, may be finally ready to send off. Whew. Now I just have to hope the computer doesn't crash and wipe everything all of a sudden, again. *Crosses fingers, toes, and eyes*

Gag Has a Cousin

His name is the Dancing Imp.

The Ever-Growing Bead Cart/How Much Tourmaline Does One Gal Need?

"Your cart: 64 Items, 98 Units"
-Firemountain Gems Website

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been returning time and again to the Firemountain Gems website to refine my shopping cart. This means I keep adding stuff. Right now, the total price on all I wish I could get is just under $275. It's all great stuff, and I know I'd use and love all the wonderful beads, findings, and misc. However, I'm not ready to dish out nearly three hundred dollars on one order of beads. Especially since, at the beginning of the month, I decided I'd been spending too much money on beads lately and it was my goal to go through June without any new bead purchases. Ha! It's all Rebecca's fault.

Adding to the problem is the new catalog the company sent me for signing up on their website. After perusing it for a while, I found a handful of nifty things I'd missed on the website (the two are organized differently, after all) and just took a bit of time to add most of them to my cart.

Now comes the really tough part - narrowing it down. This part is even tougher because of all the great deals, I mean, come on only $2.26 for a 16" strand of faceted fancy jasper beads, or $1.85 for a 36" strand of flourite chips, how can I pass those up? *Sigh* Still, something must be done. So, I've printed out my cart on paper and pulled out my pen. Time to go through the list and think about what I have to have vs. what I just really want.

Primitive "Jade"

I still haven't decided how much I like this one. The polymer was an experiment with opalescent powder and translucent clay + a bit of green and blue. Constance thought it looked like jade, and I'm stealing her description. I like the shapes, but I'm not sure yet about the color. Kinda depends on what mood I'm in. The disc beads are aventurine.

Sometimes, Working at a Bar is Funny

Like, when I walk over to check on a table at just the right time to walk into this conversation between one of our regulars and two middle-aged gals:
"Donny, you're such a man-whore. (turns to me) Isn't he?"
-Gal

Poor guy, he was out-numbered. However, I could honestly say that I haven't noticed him to be particularly whorish. Mostly I see him alone or talking with either Julia or K.C. the doorguy. Not all that slutty. I have to add, though, that his two gal pals seemed quite keen on the idea anyway. A bit of vicarious living, perhaps?

Being Engaged

"What about the ring?"
-Question asked by different people when I told them I was engaged

In some ways, I'm very different from my mom and in some I'm very much alike. Case in point: engagement rings. My mom has an opal "engagement" ring which she got a few years after she and my dad were married. She wears it on special ocassions. When my folks were first engaged, she said she didn't want one - she preferred to put that money towards something else, like their honeymoon.

I have no engagement ring, and people have tended to think it's weird. Julia suggested I go get an inexpensive cubic zirconia ring so I'd have something, and I thought about it - especially at the times when random drunk guys showed how they thought I work at a bar because I'm looking to meet men. Ultimately, though, I've decided it's not worth the trouble. I don't wear rings much, and I figure after October an engagement ring'd be a moot point anyway. I do plan to wear a wedding band (Keith and I are thinking maybe stainless steel or such).

It's funny, the closer this wedding gets, the more untraditional I want it to be. I'm the one getting married, I want to call the shots. The good news is, so far no one is having any problems with that. All my folks said was, "Just let us know what you want us to do," and my mom even said, "This is your wedding, I want you to do it how you want. I didn't get to."

In related news, I just found this article: http://www.slate.com/id/2167870

New Moon's Arms

"I don't know; maybe this was on the sand already, and something else fell on my head." Bare Bear winked her one glass eye at me. So long I hadn't seen her. "A leaf from out a sea grape tree, something like that. Right, Bare Bear?" I hugged Lucky Bare Bear to my chest. I grinned at Hector. "She get small over the years, or I get big." She still fit in her old place, up against my breastbone.


Book Review: The New Moon’s Arms, by Nalo Hopkinson. Of all the novels I’ve read, this one falls much closer to the bottom of the list than the top. I'd call it mediocre, in fact. Don’t get me wrong, the idea is neat and swimming in myth (pun intended). I dig her whole take on selkies, and the way she integrates Caribbean folklore. However, I don’t dig the way she brings up characters and/or plot elements and continually lets them fall by. I just now realize that she was probably trying to cram too much into one novel. Either that or, as she was writing, she forgot what she’d already written and forgot about the various things she brought up earlier but never did anything/much with. The weird thing is, she’s an award-winning writer, and this is her fourth novel. Oi. Well, more power to her, I guess. This book wasn’t quite bad enough to set aside, but I’ve definitely seen better storytelling. I wonder if she was getting lazy by the time she got to this one.

Bead Binge

"We order together and always end up getting the maximum discount."
-Rebecca

So, it turns out that Rebecca and her friends are getting ready to do another bead order through Firemountain Gems and I'm invited to go in on it. I've been perusing the website and adding oodles of stuff to my cart. Right now I'm up to a total of 80 things in my cart, though a lot of that is doubles (or, in the case of some silver spacers, 15Xs) of things. I'm getting lots of semi-precious stones, like three different shapes of tourmaline; lots of metal beads, which are great with anything; a generous handful of mother-of-pearl and freshwater pearls; and a smattering of glass beads; along with a bit of miscellany like extra bead wire. The most exciting single items: gorgeous blue coin pearls and two Buddha pendants, one of which is labradorite.

I'm so excited to get all my stuff, even though part of me is appalled at how much I'll be getting (not to mention spending). Then again, the discount will be awesome and I'm averaging out to spending only about $2.00 on any given thing, which is dirt cheap. Now, I just have to wait a couple more weeks until Rebecca's friend is ready to put in the order, and then wait for it to get here... Dang it. I want my beads now.

Orange Chips

These beads are one of the weirdest things I've seen lately. They're shaped like gemstone chips, but they're actually glass. Strange. I added a few seed beads and put together a simple necklace. One which goes quite well with my orange shirt today.

Bye to David

I don't want to write the post twice, so here's a link:
http://dwtdwende.blogspot.com/

Everyone's feeling bummed around campus right now.

SI 2007

"My name is Ali, I'm a grad student here on campus, and I'll be making all your copies."
-Me introducing myself yesterday

This year's Summer Institute has officially begun. We have fifteen participants, including a gal named Olga who came over all the way from Russia, which I think is pretty nifty.

Today is day two of the SI and I've already burned through about 3,000 copies, thanks to all the various documents that everyone needs and handouts for demonstrations, and assigned readings. Whoo-boy, we're smokin' now.

On a nifty note, it's been decided that this year's SI will end with a writing marathon, instead of a visitor's day. Katherine invited me to participate and I'm looking forward to it. WMs are fun and there'll be free food. It's a win-win. Right now I've been on and off the phone with folks at Angelo's Pizza Parlor and Cafe Zajj scheduling room reservations and food. At the Cafe, we're going to get to binge on pastries and desert crepes, mmm... I can't wait for the SI to be over!