Homesickness, Teddy Bears, and the Post-Keith Rebellion

"Well I'll never be a stranger and I'll never be alone
Whenever were together, that's my home."
-Billy Joel, "You're My Home"

Once the shock and anger wore off, I started having this feeling that I couldn't quite pin down. Then the other night I sat in my living room, watching TV and feeling this feeling, and suddenly I had a thought of "I want to go home." Silly, though, I was home. Then I figured it out.

Another weird thing that's happened is the teddy bear. When Keith and I first started dating, he had this teddy bear on his computer that an ex-girlfriend had given him. He said he wasn't attached to it, but just hadn't thrown it away. At that point, I made it my mission to claim the bear (i.e. "beat" the other girl by owning this thing she gave to him). Since then, the bear has been something I could grab as a stand-in of sorts for Keith. Now, even though we've split, the bear is still nice to have. The Keith connotation has faded, but the positive associations of the stuffed animal have stayed. So, when I've been feeling depressed/lonely the past few days, I've been hanging on to that bear and it makes me feel better. Kinda funny, isn't it?

On the bright side, it seems the worst has passed. I'm no longer a wreck. I've gone from being constantly sad to bitchy. My tolerance levels are incredibly low right now, but I'm okay with that. I'll take irritable over heartbroken any day. I mean, progress is progress, right?

As part of my progress, I find myself having a mini-rebellion against the habits I developed from being with Keith. For instance: I bought a pizza on Saturday and on the way I thought of what I should get on it. My first impulse was sausage, bell pepper, and mushrooms, which were about the only toppings Keith and I could agree on, and thus the kind of pizza we always got together. Then I caught myself and ordered a pineapple and canadian bacon pizza instead (he couldn't stand the idea of pineapple on pizza). Along these same lines, I'm thinking of cutting my hair even shorter and getting a dog. Not having Keith any more means there are many things I miss, but the flip-side is all the extra freedom I get from not having to compromise.

I find that as the hurting starts to wear off, I'm getting more and more excited about the freedom. Clear the polymer clay mess off the kitchen table to make room for another person? Bah!