Doing It Wrong

Kids tend to be the bane of the server's life. They run about, get in the way, and their parents are often annoying ("What do you mean you don't have booster seats in a bar?!"). In light of this, I just want to send out a Thank You to two parents who came in on Wednesday. They're both semi-regulars and every now and again they'll bring in their son. He sits down, sometimes with a book to read, orders for himself, and ends up behaving more maturely than half the adults who walk through our door. He's also more polite than most of my customers. Come on folks, if a ten-year-old can do it, why can't everybody?

Okay, moving on...

Remember the guy from last week who complained that his vodka martini was awful strong? On Friday I had a couple come in and I think the gal was that guy's cousin. After the couple's first round, they look at our scotch list and contemplate whether they want two Glenmorangies or one.
Me: Why don't I bring one, then you can try it and see if you'd like another?
Them: Sounds good.
-I bring them one scotch on the rocks, give them both a minute to take a sip, then wander back.
Me: (to gal) Would you like to make that two?
Gal: Oh, no. It's too strong, it tastes like straight alcohol.

Guy: I'll have a tonic and lime. No liquor for me. I'm an alcoholic.

Me: Here's your change.
Guy 1: Keep $2 for yourself.
Guy 2 (a semi-regular): Stick it in your bra.
Me: Nope. You gotta pay extra for that.

A few years ago I had a conversation with a three-year-old which I remember vividly. I was babysitting and she wanted a snack. She'd already eaten a ton of sweets, so I limited her choices.
Me: Okay. You can have an apple, an orange, or a banana. What would you like?
Girl: A cookie.
Me: No, kiddo. You've already had a couple. You've got to eat something healthy first. So, apple, banana or orange?
Girl: Cookie.
This conversation lasted a good five minutes. Gotta love three-year-olds.

This conversation came to mind this weekend when I had other people who didn't understand their options.

Me: Do you know what you'd like, or would you like a minute?
Guy: Uhh...

Me: Would you like to run a tab?
Gal: (Not reaching for cash) We'll see.

I always like the way some people, when given a specific list of options - order or wait, run a tab or pay now - opt for another of their own creating. I almost want to have that same conversation I had with the little girl, the part where I said, "Okay, kiddo. Here's how this giving you your options thing works..."

John: (now finished with his shift and having had a few drinks) Ali, you should make up a shot for us. Just do anything you want, as long as it's cold. Hey Julia, Ali's gonna make a couple shots for me and Alex.
-Have I mentioned how I'm not a bartender? Or, about how I'm not a drinker either? The shot recipes I know off the top of my head are few in number, and John wanted me to make one up. After a second of thinking about it, I pulled out the creme de cocoa and creme de banana. Equal parts, add ice, into shot glasses.
John: (downs it) That wasn't very good.

I guess I'd better stay in school and forget my dreams of being the world's most fantastico bartender. Aw, shucks.