Scientology is Funny

"If you are not happy with life, you can find out why."
-Part of the test description

I took this test a while back and was impressed and astounded by the amount of slant in the questions and the number of totally oddball things they ask about. Things like this really bring out the English major in me. Here are some examples:

Do you intend two or less children in your family even though your health and income will permit more? Children is a countable noun, should be "or fewer."

Do you consider more money should be spent on social security? Better word would be "think"

Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch? Yes! I am monotonous!

Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it? I have no idea what muscle twitches have to do with religion, I really don't

Are you normally considerate in your demands on your employees, relatives, or pupils? Who's going to say no, I'm an ass?

Do you find yourself being extra-active for periods lasting several days? Just like the muscle twitches

Is your life a constant struggle for survival? Absolutely, unless my next student loan comes through, I'll probably starve to death

Do you consider there are other people who are definitely unfriendly toward you and work against you? Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me.

Would you admit you were wrong just to “keep the peace”? See, "admit" implies guilt, like "confess." This question is really asking "Would you confess that you screwed up just to "keep the peace," which implies that you should keep your fuck-uppery to yourself.

Do you consider the good of all concerned rather than your own personal advantages? Implication: are you a selfish bastard?

Do you completely condemn a person because he is a rival or opponent in some aspect of your relations with him? Oh yeah, that's not loaded.

Are there some things about yourself on which you are touchy? If we're being honest, here, can anyone actually answer "no" to this question? Come on.

Are you logical and scientific in your thinking? Nope, I'm an irrational nut.

Is your facial expression varied rather than set? Because I always watch my face when I talk.

Is your opinion influenced by looking at things from the standpoint of your experiences, occupation or training? Don't we always base our opinions on our personal experience? I mean, what else would we base our opinions on?

Do you usually criticize a film or show that you see or a book that you read? Well, I am an English major... I even criticize personality tests. I must be stopped!

Would you like to “start a new activity” in the area in which you live? Point of grammar - the quotation marks here are trying to show an idom, but when did that become an idiom? Do they even know the defintion of an idiom? I think not.

Can you trust the decision of your judgment in an emotional situation in which you are involved? "the decison of your judgment" is the part I like the most.

Do you spend much time on needless worries? Weighted much?

Do you often ponder over your own inferiority? When did I become inferior?

And the results, ladies and gentlemen:
"Your personality test profile is now being sent to a professional test evaluator at the Church of Scientology listed below." Last time I got to see a graph that said I was slightly deranged and possibly suicidal, or something like that. This time, I see nothing. What a shame. The 200 question test is a little hilarious. It's a horrible test thanks to unclear questions, weighted language, and slanted connotations. But, good for a laugh on occasion. http://www.scientology.org/oca.htm